Somewhere on Earth...: December 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

BEER LICKER SIGHTINGS

BEWARE! There is a fish-breathed wild man on the loose this holiday season.

Dozens of people have filed reports claiming a mysterious man of unknown origins has been lurking in the shadow of holiday cheer.

Known as "Beer Licker" he strikes, like a phantom in the night, without warning and most often at festive holiday themed parties. His crime, penetrating your unguarded beer with his unusually long, swirling tongue, then vanishing as quickly as he appeared. Sightings began earlier this summer in the Pacific North West, and speculation is Beer Licker has migrated south for the winter with the latest sightings coming from New Mexico, Arizona, and North Western Texas.

His attacks initially go unreported, however, within 48 hours of a Beer Licker sighting, the victim(s) fall violently ill with flu-like symptoms, often requiring urgent medical care.

An unnamed victim who made eye contact with Beer Licker, described him as an un-kept white male of medium build, cloaked in an oil stained blue mechanics type jacket, and smelling thick of BO and gasoline. "He's like a peeping-Tom, but worse!" she exclaimed, "My husband missed two weeks of work, and is still sick as a dog!" - a result of a Thanksgiving day visit from the Beer Licker.

Experts say Beer Licker is responsible for an increased rash of strep throat, pink eye, and mononucleosis cases. And if not stopped, could easily lead to a medical crisis in 2012. If caught, Beer Licker faces countless charges of criminal trespassing, and possible felony charges, for criminal transmission of a virus, pending a health evaluation.